The Twelve Unholy Apostles
by Damien
Summary: I wrote this a *long* time ago and the movie "Little Nicky" made me think of it. Written just for fun. (Don't take it too seriously)


It was a perfectly clear day. It wasn't too hot and there was a nice breeze blowing. The smell of cherry blossoms in the air made it particular ably enjoyable to be outside. It was the perfect day to go hunting. Unfortunately, he was not the only one to come to that conclusion. The hunter himself was being hunted, but what else was new. Ataru Moroboshi was used to being on the run, in fact it could be said, this is when he was most happy.

A few miles a way.

"This is the place, man," a rather strange looking youth said.

"Are you sure? Looks like another burg to me. We should ask around to make sure?"

"ARE YOU DOUBTIN' THE BOARD, MAN. Ain't you got no faith. After we unjumbled the letters and read 'em in the mirror, they spelled TOMOBIKI. If you want to ask, go ahead." 

There were twelve in the group. They were all male. It looked as though the bunch was comprised of a number of nationalities and races, but it was difficult to be sure. Several had shaven heads. The others hair were green, or purple, or any multitude of colors in any multitude of shapes and styles. As varied as the color of their hair was, their clothes were comprised of but one color, black. Some had tattoos all over their bodies, while others appeared to be wearing make up (ex. black lipstick). Each had all manner of things metal pierced through out their bodies.A young black man in the group, with bright purple hair, looking not unlike a young Dennis Rodman approached a group of girls walking home from school. 

"Hey, you chicks know an Ataru Moroboshi? Spill it!" he said in English with a slight British accent. As the girls were Japanese, and considering what the man said wasn't exactly the Queen's English, the girls had some trouble comprehending. The name Ataru Moroboshi however, required no comprehension, merely action. The girls took off as if their very lives were in peril, screaming bloody murder the entire way.

"Yeeaaaahhhh, didya' see that shit? Just his name, man, and they freak! This is the place, man, no doubtin' it. To... mo… biki," he drew out the last word for effect.

"No shit man. You see dose bitches take off? Dis is HIS town."

"Now, we just got to find him"

"Don't sweat it man. We are the chosen, The Twelve Unholy Apostles. We're fated to run inta da guy," and just as the young American Caucasian completed his sentence, the guy did appear. "Wha's that sound dude?" The group had no time to think about it, as two of their members were floored by the blur. Without breaking step, it deftly vaulted over the remainder of the group, laughing all the way. All the Twelve Unholy Apostles saw was a cloud of dust, the blur had left in its wake. " Whooahhh, dudes, what beast from Hell was that?" 

"Stand still devil, and face Heaven's Wrath," came a voice from the direction the blur had come. "Moroboshi, Lum will surely dump you this time. Come back and accept punishment and I'll make your end quick," came Mendou's voice. He was dressed in his usual white suit, waving his sword like a mad man. The 12 Unholy let him pass without a word.

"Didya hear? He said Moroboshi. He was after Moroboshi. That thing that creamed you guys...it was HIM. You lucky bastards." The two that were knocked over by Ataru, were looked upon with awe by the rest of the group. They had been touched. Their broken ribs and collar bone… a gift from HIM.

"Is he gone?" came a voice from behind. The group turned around to see a rather nondescript young Japanese man, sporting the most wicked of grins.

"If ya mean the geek with slicked back hair, then yeah," fortunately (or was it fate), there was a Japanese national in the group. The 12 Unholy stared at the man before them, unsure. Upon hearing that Mendou had been lost once again, Ataru Moroboshi laughed a laugh that only he was capable of. One that shook men to their very soul's and was the herald of Chaos. The 12 instantly fell to the ground, the strength gone from their legs.

"Whooooah...that laugh. Evil man...way evil."

"Tell me about it... I think I wet myself."

"I *KNOW* I wet myself."

"I wish I had just wet myself."

"Its HIM, man. The guy who holds all of Tomobiki in terror. The CANCER. The JINX. The most LECHEROUS BEING in the universe. The spawn of the Devil himself… ATARU MOROBOSHI, THE HARBINGER. On yer knees man!" came the Japanese member.

"You know... I prefer the title most sensual being in the universe," replied Ataru. "These guys are weird even by my book," Ataru thought to himself and went to leave.

"Wait man! WAIT! We've come to serve! We twelve are the CHOSEN. We all got the same email message. It said the time was NOW, THE END NIGH," said the oldest member of the lot, who looked not unlike Bill Gates.

" I'm sorry. My English isn't very good," Ataru said in Japanese with a hand to his ear and shaking his head. This wasn't entirely true. Sure, his English grades were lousy, but that is because he slept in class and saw no point to participating, but there were far too many English-speaking babes out there not to know English. In fact he knew a number of languages or a least necessary *key phrases*. Once again he turned to leave, but a katana swung at his head stopped him. As per script, he caught it between his hands, inches from his face.

"Now we have you devil. Face Lum's divine retribution," Mendou preached. The Japanese member of the 12 Unholy served as translator.

"What's a Lum?"

"Probably some local god or somethin'. Why else would this guy be talkin' about divine wraith and stuff." Ten of the 12 Unholy went to restrain Mendou, whose English was pretty good and he wasn't too proud to show it.

"Unhand me! What are you hooligans doing? Do you know who that is?" pointing to Ataru, "He is the devil incarnate. All of Tomobiki hate him!" ranted Mendou. "As you...are no doubt tourists, you don't understand, but I assure you he is PURE EVIL. Now stand aside, while I rid the world of this wraith." His words fell on death ears. He was forced to his knees, disarmed and dragged before Ataru. Those not holding Mendou prostrated themselves before Ataru. The Japanese member spoke for the group.

"Oh Great Spawn of the Mighty Satan, we, the 12 Unholy Apostles, have heeded your call. We seek only to serve you in the coming apocalypse. Our legions are yours. What would you have us do with this sheep?"

Ataru looked at the group like they were insane, but he was used to being referred to as the source of all evil and Mendou did look good on the ground like that. He was about to reply when he heard the crackle of lightning not to far off. Time was short. He prepared to take off once more. When he heard their suggestion.

"Why not send one of yer minions to kill 'em and his whole damn family, that'll teach 'em not to mess with ya and the armies of Hell," again the Japanese member translated.

Ataru was running out of time, she would be on him any second now. "Ahh.... IcallforthehoundofhelltosmiteMendouandhisentireclan," he shot out quickly but nonchalantly, not believing a word. He did a quick flip over the group, a bolt of lightning from the clear blue sky just missing him. 

Unfortunately Mendou didn't have the devil's luck, instant crispy. 

Ataru looked up to the empty sky, waving a fist and laughing maniacally, "You'll have to do better than that. My girl hunt continues... MuuWaaaHaaaaHaaaa." With that said, he was gone like the wind.

"Didya see that!!! The G-man tried to strike 'em down. Lightnin' don't come from a blue sky!"

"Yeah, and he missed!! The supposed perfect god of all creation missed, and hit his own loser."

"Wait, Master... If you're looking for girls, you can sleep with my girlfriend. She's a good breeder!!"

"Moron, why would he want your skank girl, when he could have my sisters."

"Your both morons, the Master needs virgins. Your sisters ain't been virgins since they were twelve and your girlfriend was never a virgin."

"Who cares about that now! The Master can have all our girls or whomever he wants. We have to find him."

"WHERE DID HE GO!!!!" a voice from above shouted. The Unholy looked up to see the most bitchin' girl any of them had ever seen. Wearing dead animal skins as a bikini no less!!! The group spokesman stepped forward. 

"W...who are you l..looking for?"

"My HUSBAND, Darling, Ataru Moroboshi, who do you think!"Lum replied. She then described her darling. The group dropped to their knees again. "Huh?"

"Mistress, your husband went that way," their translator pointed, and Lum prepared to give chase. "Wait!!! What would have us do?"

"Ummm...Is that Shutaro, could you see him home, and make sure he is taken care of. If you all are Darling's friends, I'm sure he'll be in touch. After I'm through with him," she finished with a feral grin an flew off. The 12 Unholy looked on in awe.

"That is the most...."

"Don't even think it man, unless you want to fry. That was HIS girl."

"Betcha she's a freak too."

"Oh, you know it! After what she said, and the way she was dressed too!"

" Well, we got our orders. Take the sheep home, and see to it he gets taken care of."

"I guess she means, wait and see if Cerebus shows up, and then wait for further orders."

"MAN, and can't wait to see the hound. Check his wallet, see where he lives, so we can dump 'im and watch the fireworks." 

The group easily found the Mendou estate and dropped him at the gate. They took up a secluded spot nearby and waited. Mendou was found by some guards, and brought inside. Judging by his burned clothing and his cursing of Moroboshi, it was easy enough to discern what had happened to him. He was taken to his room and put to bed.

The evening passed on to night without incident. The 12 Unholy Apostles continued to wait in seclusion, but some were beginning to doubt, despite what they had seen earlier that day. That is… until they heard a ghastly and thunderous howl, which was joined by another and then a third. 

Mendou woke up, startled by the noise he heard coming from just outside his window. He turned to see three pairs of eyes boring into him from outside his mirror. He was just about over his paralyzing fear and was reaching for the emergency phone, when a fourth set eyes opened with a hiss. It was within the blink of an eye that the giant head of a king cobra snake crashed through the window of the scion of the richest family in Japan. It was an equally quick move that dispatched him. 

Despite the valiant and heroic efforts of the Mendou Paramilitary Forces, they were no match for the guardian of the gates of Hell. The Mendou clan would not see sunrise.

With all doubts erased by a display of carnage of biblical proportion, the Unholy Apostles looked up to the sky to see a shooting star pass overhead, an omen of the coming of their Master for the world to see no doubt. After several mantras of "We're not worthy" were finished The Unholy 12 returned to their lives in industry, politics and entertainment to prepare the world for HIS ascension. 


End file.
